Dear Korea,

You’re showing me something I already knew about myself. I want to do everything. I try to do everything. As much as I can. As fast as I can. It’s hard living in Korea with so much I want to accomplish that would honestly take me a lifetime. And that’s what I’ve come to realize. That this journey of self-discovery is not something that can be rushed only on weekends. Time and space divided into spreadsheets of timelines and milestones. It truly is a journey of a lifetime. One that will have parts fulfilled here and now. While other parts will have to wait or change shape into something I’ve yet to create.

Maybe that’s why writing these letters is so important to me. They have become parts of me that I am recreating about myself that will live on as long as I do.

I work every day from 8 – 5pm and take Korean tutoring lessons four days a week for two hours each time right after work. I’m exhausted. Some days I feel like my head might explode. I’ve been doing pretty well with learning Korean but on Monday I really struggled. Each time I review homework with my tutor, which typically consists of vocabulary and situational conversation. This past weekend I didn’t study because I spent the majority of my time with friends. And it showed when it came time to review.

As I sat and struggled through the lesson for two hours, it really got to me. There were moments where I almost teared up because I was so upset with myself for not making the time to study. I had been doing so well. Learning the language is important and I could feel myself failing. I left the lesson completely disheartened and went to buy groceries.

When I went to pay, the cashier couldn’t speak English. She kept speaking to me in Korean. I kept speaking to her in English. Mostly apologizing. I could feel those tears well up again as we both continued to misunderstand each other and I all I could do was think about how hard it is to be living in my birth country not being able to communicate. It’s hard to explain but as a Korean, it’s painful when other Koreans try to communicate with me and I can’t do it. If I were not a Korean adoptee, I don’t think I would feel this way but maybe that’s just me. I left and could do nothing but think about it the whole way home.

I spoke to a friend that evening explaining to her how overwhelmed I felt trying to accomplish so many things while living in Korea. It’s as if I’m trying to make up for lost time as quickly as possible even though I know it’s unrealistic. We talked about how crucial it was for people like us to prioritize our time because we often kill ourselves trying to do everything. I realized that because my time living here in Korea is limited, it’s important that I choose what I really want. And will have to make some sacrifices. So I’ve decided that learning the language is the most important goal for me because it’s just something I need to do. It means practicing every day for at least two hours. Focusing all my energy on becoming a better language learner. Giving up A LOT of fun experiences with new friends so I can dedicate more time to learning. It’s also important that I develop Love Letters to Korea into something more than just about me. I genuinely want to help other adoptees connect to Korea and share new opportunities and experiences that they might have never known otherwise. I’m not sure yet how I’ll do it.

But then again, that’s all part of the journey.