Dear Korea,

In 2018 I worked for the digital design and development agency, Beyond. My project had just ended so I was seeking opportunities on new accounts. We had just won Samsung and the account program was still in its infancy so I met with a few people to see if I could get on the account. Never in my life did I think that the first opportunity to visit my birth country would be through a work trip. As silly as it sounds, I had no intention of taking time off to explore while I was there until my GM learned about my story and encouraged me to take an extra week off. That week would be the most pivotal part of my journey that literally changed my life.

I landed in Seoul on March 26, 2018 and was in South Korea for the very first time since I left the country at 3 months old. Nothing felt strange or vastly different for some reason, it was just another country. I was here for work. The first week went by and the following Saturday I woke up early and caught the train to Seoul Station. I visited Dongdaemun Design Plaza which as you may or may not know, is designed by Zaha Hadid. It is comprised of five halls: Art Hall, Museum, Design Lab, Design Market, and Dongdaemun History and Culture Park. The Art Hall is the primary launch pad for the Korean creative industry and is a key venue for conventions, trade shows, exhibitions, fashion shows, concerts and performances. The Museum Hall brings together Korean design and global trends. The Museum Hall is comprised of five sections: Design Playground, Design Dulle-gil(trail), Design Museum, Design Exhibition Hall, and the Design Rest Area. The Design Lab serves as an incubator for rising Korean and international creative product designers. Lastly the Design Market is a multipurpose space that combines culture, experiences and shopping.

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Next I went to KoRoot, which is a Korean adoptee guesthouse located between Bukhansan Mountain toward the north and the historical Gwanghwamoon district of Seoul. I arrived to meet Pastor Kim who helped me get settled into my new surroundings in addition to some other adoptees who were from Denmark. I felt right at home in the two-story house that had a kitchen, living room area, dining room area, and my own personal room for the week. My stay included breakfast and home-cooked meals for lunch as well.

Another adoptee who was staying at KoRoot invited me out with his friends to meet them in Hongdae, a very popular university area. I took the train to find him and his friends sitting at a table outside of a convenience store smoking cigarettes, laughing, drinking beer and Soju. I was greeted by everyone with welcoming smiles. I met two other friends from Germany who were also sitting at the table, and we all continued to play games and asked questions curious of each other and where each of us came from. We headed out for noraebang (karaoke) at Luxury where I ended up eating Shin Ramyun at the convenience store below because I’ve not yet had dinner all evening. Next we went to a hip hop club with some of the best music, danced for hours and finally ended up eating some amazing noodle soup around 3am. I finally arrived back to the guesthouse around 4am completely exhausted yet so incredibly happy for my first night out in Seoul.

Each day I explored as much as I could until I was utterly exhausted. I reconnected with another KAD I had met in San Francisco who had recently moved to Seoul. We met in the big expat part of the city called Itaewon for dinner and having been alone all week, it felt good to see a friend. That evening she asked if I had made any plans while in Seoul to start a birth family search which I had not. Before coming to Korea the only plans prearranged was to visit my adoption agency, Holt International, to review my adoption file. I had heard from other adoptees that often your Korean file is different than your U.S. file because information could have gotten lost in translation. My friend recommended that I visit an organization called G.O.A.L. who helped adoptees with their birth family search and other adoption matters. She also told me that I could give my DNA at the police station which is something I could only do while in Korea so it was worth considering.

The next morning I went to my adoption agency and met with a woman who walked me through my adoption file and painted a picture of what it was like in Korea at the time I was born. I was told that I was very healthy, a sign of love. There was nothing I could do to hold tears back as I sat there listening to every word more intently than I’ve ever listened to anyone before. She continued to translate more new information. My birthday February 22nd was correct but I learned that day I was born at 2am. I was born at a clinic which was now a seafood restaurant and she gave me the address. What she told me next I was not prepared for and it would be what convinced me that day to start a birth family search. In my file there was no information about my birth father and the only information about my birth mother was that the clinic had asked her if I was the first child, to which she told them that I was the fifth girl. So on that day, I learned somewhere in this world, I have four older biological sisters.

After I collected myself a bit I made the decision to visit G.O.A.L that afternoon and do whatever I could in my last 24 hours of being in Korea to begin a birth family search. I rushed to their office still not quite sure what I was getting myself into but the only mission I had was to get there. I was greeted by another adoptee who could tell it had been an emotional morning for me and did everything he could to answer my questions and help me. He told me that G.O.A.L could arrange an interpreter to go with me to Gunsan, where I was born but because I was leaving the next day, it was too short notice. The other option was to create flyers that I would post up with photos of myself as a baby and as adult, any information I had about my birth family and contact information. Even though I knew likely nothing would come of it, I still had to do it. I had to at least try because I had come so far and to give up then would be something I couldn’t live with after having learned everything I did that morning. We went to the police station so I could give my DNA and shortly after I headed back to KoRoot to quickly pack by bags and head to Gunsan.

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I took a bus to Seoul Station, then to Yongsan Station where I took a KTX bullet train 2 hours south to Gunsan. Overwhelmed and disoriented I remember thinking that if I made one mistake of going the wrong way that I might not make it that evening to my destination. On the KTX train there was a man taking up tickets and he could tell I was wasn’t exactly sure how to get where I was going. He was able to help me figure out how to get on the right bus to my hotel and gave me directions. Arriving in Gunsan I found the bus station, bought a ticket and was on my way for about another hour. Finally I arrived at my hotel about 10:30pm. I was emotionally drained and exhausted but it was important for me to walk around and just be in that space in that moment. That area of the city was all closed except for a few convenience stores so I grabbed a beer and walked around by myself taking it all in. I had to leave the next day and catch a flight back to the U.S. so my time was limited in Gunsan and it was critical that I wake up in time to hang my flyers. I set my alarm for 6am and woke up to pouring down rain. I started crying because I had come all that way and it was so important for me to hang my flyers and see that damn seafood restaurant.

I asked the hotel for directions to the restaurant and had them write it down so I could give to the taxi driver. The taxi dropped me off in front and I stood there in the pouring down rain just staring into space feeling the most alone I had ever felt in my entire life. I quickly snapped out of it because I was on a mission and had only a couple hours to do what I needed to do. There was a convenience store next door so I went in to buy scissors, duct tape and a rain poncho. The store clerk looked very confused when I came to the counter so I showed him my flyer. He didn’t speak any English but he looked at it closely understanding that the girl in the photos was me. I went to take the flyer back from him but he held on to it. I thought to myself well, it’s one less flyer for me to worry about, why not just leave it. I left preparing myself to begin walking around to find any public dry place that might be suitable for my flyers. I turned around to find the clerk hanging up my flyer outside of his store and uncontrollable tears began streaming down my face as I suddenly felt instant love and acceptance. The support of a complete stranger helping me in a moment when I felt so incredibly alone. I couldn’t believe he was actually hanging it up. But it was what I needed to see in order to keep going.

I walked aimlessly for the next hour and half finding any open grocery store, covered park or phone booth where my precious flyers would be safe from the rain. No one spoke English. I would walk in and motion with hand gestures asking to hang up my flyers. I would bring one to them so they could see it. They would read it. And everyone said yes. Before I left the adoption agency that morning the woman told me that I was born in a different province so the dialect of the Korean language sounds different. She recommended I find any public market so that I could record the sounds of people speaking so that when I went back home, I could listen. So with each flyer I hung up, I kept looking for any sign of a public market. After all 25 flyers had been posted, I was so disappointed because I hadn’t found the market. But then suddenly I turned and there it was.

There were fish all along the sides of the street and a covered opening into what was a small public market. I had found it and because it was so early only a few people, who were obviously working, were around but it didn’t matter. It was still enough people that I could record their voices, the sounds that I would perhaps listen to and find comfort in when I returned back to the states. I walked through the market and recorded as much as I could as quickly as I could. I ran back to the hotel and was so worried that I was going to miss my flight and knew I had to calculate every step in order to make it on time. I got to my hotel, grabbed my bags and got a taxi to the bus station. I took the bus back to the KTX train, back to Yongsan station and back to Seoul where I would take the train to Incheon airport and get back on a plane.

I remember thinking to myself, I’ll never be the same again.