Dear Korea,

On Monday I got an email from NCRC, a post-adoption services organization that has been helping me with my birth family search including getting my adoption article published with Yonhap News last week. The email mentioned that a man had called over the weekend whose elder sister fit the description of my story. At the exact same age, she already had 4 daughters and gave birth to the fifth one the exact same year in the exact same small city I was born. And she also gave that daughter up for adoption with the same adoption agency, Holt. But after several phone calls, exchanges of information and supporting data to back up her story, it was confirmed that her daughter was adopted into a Korean family. And it’s likely she doesn’t even know she is adopted, which is really common in Korea, so she may never come forward.

I can’t really put into words the kind of emotions that ran through me that day. The hardest part about all of this is that I had to question every last detail to feel confident that she was not my birth mother. Not necessarily because I wanted it to be her but because there have been so many cases where adoptees’ own families and even adoption agencies have fabricated information whether on purpose to increase the chances of getting adopted or because there was a lack of information to be “assumed” as best as possible. Or perhaps the director could have lied to protect my birth mother. I’ll never really know. And none of it, I can actually trust. My birthdate, my birthplace, my birth story. And all the empty gaps in between these little clues.

So today I made my last attempt to try and track down my past by filing an official police complaint to search for the director of the clinic I was born. He is the only person who spoke to my birth mother and knows what really happened. He is the one who transferred me over to a social worker with my adoption agency, so even they may not know what actually happened. He is the only one that can fill that gap. But that’s only if he’s still alive and willing to do so. Unfortunately I found out the police do not help adoptees with the family finding service so I have to go through my adoption services organization. Hopefully something can actually be done but not going to count on it.

Even though I may not get the answers I want, I am so grateful for what I’ve gained in the process. I have gained a different kind of family in my life. An older Korean man I met through a friend only a month ago who has treated me like his own daughter and drove me 3 hours away so I could visit my orphanage and has accompanied me to numerous meetings during my birth family search. A younger Korean girl I randomly met at a beauty show who has treated me like a sister helping me get more freelance work and make steps in my birth family search. Both of these people have randomly come into my life helping me do things that no one else could.

It sounds crazy but sometimes I feel like the universe drops people into my life so I can keep my momentum going. I move fast. Sometimes too fast. But I honestly don’t know how to do so any differently. And I often meet others just like me. They live differently. Unconventional. Fast-paced. Risk-takers. Good hearts. Sometimes haphazardly missing the rules or important details. Making things happen. All I know is that even if I never reconnect with my birth family, at least I’ll live with knowing I did everything I could to try and find them.